SOUTHERN
CALIFORNIA (ANS)– The young couple across the restaurant aisle were
obviously angry with one another. The portion of their conversation reaching
our table was peppered with two common phrases. “You always get home
late.” “Well, you never have dinner on time any way, so what
difference does it make?” “Why should I if you’re never there to eat
it with us?”
We tried to ignore their
conversation, but it was so familiar. Not the “late to dinner” part.
It was those phrases “you always,” and “you never” that
clanged so loudly.
As senior pastors for thirty-five
years and now ministers-at-large, we’ve counseled our share of couples. Most
folks know that poor communication is the greatest source of problems in
marriages. Few realize that small changes can make drastic improvements in
their communication resulting in greater marital harmony and less stressful
daily life.
Two of the most abused phrases in
English are “You always.” and “You never.” The worst thing
about using them is that they are usually inaccurate. It’s seldom true that a
person “always” or “never” does what he is accused of. As a
result, the person who hears those words immediately responds internally by
thinking of the exceptions to the accusation. Instead of hearing the heart of
the person, he prepares to defend himself. Furthermore, we usually don’t
realize that when we say, “You always.” or “You never.” we
are, in fact, using a tactic of Satan, for, “the accuser of our
brothers.accuses them before our God day and night,” Revelation 12:10.
Communicate from Feelings
How much better if we look for ways
of expressing ourselves by beginning with the words, “I feel.”
Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They may not even be based upon fact.
Feelings are real and cannot be argued with. We can feel lonely in a crowd. A
wealthy person can feel as though he doesn’t have wealth. A beautiful person
can feel plain or even ugly. Their feelings cannot be disputed. They are real.
Most emotionally healthy people who
learn of another person’s negative feelings want to help alleviate those
feelings. Especially with those we love, we want them to feel safe, secure, and
happy.
If we will stop long enough to get
in touch with our feelings, then put those feelings into words beginning with
“I feel.,” we can more readily be understood and get our needs met. A
husband whose wife says, “I feel lonely,” will more likely look for
ways to make time for her than if she complains of being neglected.
One big problem with this concept is
that most men have been taught from childhood to hide their feelings. Many men
have conditioned themselves not to feel except for the feeling of anger. As a
result anger is what they express when they are threatened, when they are
unable to identify their feelings, and even when they are fearful. A man might
see that others are being laid off at work and he fears he might be the next to
lose his job. Believing he must be strong, he doesn’t share his fears with his
wife. When something disrupts the peace at home he lashes out in anger, maybe
at his wife or his child. The fear is the true feeling, masked by anger.
There are thousands of words in the
English language that describe emotions. If we stop and think about what we’re
truly feeling, we can more accurately express them and deal with them. In a
quick internet search I found more than a dozen articles and lists of emotions we
humans can experience. Perhaps it’s time to get in touch with those feelings
and communicate about them to our spouse.
The Source of Our Words
When seeking to improve our
communication skills it pays to stop and think about the source of our words.
They don’t start in our head. Rather, they start in our heart; and they reveal
the contents of our heart.
Our heart is like a garden. God
wants us to till the soil and prepare it, through prayer and Bible reading for
His work in our lives. The Holy Spirit is standing ready to provide the seeds
for the good that our lives are meant to produce. If we allow Satan to plant
weeds of negative, evil, and judgmental thoughts in the garden of our heart,
those will choke out God’s seeds. We can test what is growing in our heart’s
garden by the light of God’s Word: “Whatever is true, whatever is
noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable, if anything is excellent, or praiseworthy, think about such things,”
Philippians 4:8. “For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the
heart,” Matthew 12:34 NASB. God does not take lightly the way we
speak. We “will have to give account on the day of judgment for every
careless word [we] have spoken,” Matthew 12:36.
It’s Not a Matter of Winning
Most of us have lived in a state of
competition much of our lives, competing with siblings, playmates, classmates,
and colleagues. As a result, we tend to view even our conversations with
friends and family from a win or lose standpoint. By approaching conversation
with a competitive attitude we build barriers that prevent open exchange. The
goal of our communication should to be to gain understanding of the other’s
ideas and to make our own thoughts known to the other, not to come out a
winner.
Bring God into Communication through
Prayer
God has provided the greatest help
available for overcoming communication problems. The first person to recognize
communication difficulties simply needs to suggest, “Let’s stop and pray
together.” This can be done in the home, or when the family is at play
together. It works in church settings and in other gatherings of Christians. If
in a public setting such as a restaurant or a park where a normal prayer mode
might be awkward, we can merely address the Lord with our eyes open. It is
always appropriate to take the time to bring God into a conversation and ask
for His help in our communication.
About the author –
Bev
Caruso, and her husband Pete, have served the Lord together for over 50 years.
The above article was adapted from her book, God’s Gift of Friendship-Tools for
Improving Relationships. The Caruso’s recently coauthored: Keeping It Fresh-A
Love that Keeps on Growing based on the Marriage Enrichment Seminars they
team-teach. Visit their website: www.PeteandBevCaruso.com
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